There is light at the end of the tunnel :)

I realize I haven't blogged in nearly a year, so I thought I would give an update. We moved to a new town in August, my husband got a better job that he absoultely loves. In October we found out that we were expecting another baby :) Now I'll be honest with you, I was terrified when I saw the positive on the test. My mom was the first to know since she was down for her birthday (which happened to be the day I took the test, what a birthday gift!!). Being in a new town that is much smaller than our previous town, I had no idea who to call. I finally found a doctor an hour away from where I live, and I absoultely love him. I saw him at 10 weeks and explained that my previous pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, so he explained to me that he wasn't going to try to hear the heartbeat at that appointment because if we didn't hear one, he didn't want me to get discouraged & freak out, so I waited another month. At 14 weeks I heard that beautiful heartbeat!!!! Such an amazing sound it is too. I never realized until having children how beautiful that sound is. Life was literally beating inside of me & it reminds me just how great our God is. Anywho,I was blessed to share this moment with our 4 year old daughter and she thought it was so cool. 18 weeks-Ultrasound Everything looked good, baby was healthy and very active. Alyson thought the baby was a cutie pie when she saw the picture on the screen (how great of a big sis is she gonna be?). The tech tried so hard to tell us the sex of the baby, she would get an image that made her think boy, then another angle and she would think girl. So they told us to come back when I had my next OB appt and they would try again. Are you kidding me? I have to wait another 4 weeks to find out if we are team blue or pink!? Can you tell paitience is not my strongest trait? lol We took our pictures and info to our doctor and he told us that our baby is growing great and is in the 96 percantile, which could mean i'm going to have a good sized baby. 22 weeks I went to get another ultrasound done where we got some amazing pictures of baby, which made it very obvious what we are habing.....a BOY!!!! Oh, i'm so happy about that. My dream of having a boy and a girl are finally coming true!! So here I am, 28 weeks along into this pregnancy and I'm feeling good. I'm ready for June to get here so I can meet our little guy, but I'm also not wanting to rush progress either. He needs his time to grow big & strong so he can be ready to live life with big sister :) I will do my best to stay up to date with this, but I cant make any promises. If any of my readers are still healing from miscarriage, just know that your time will come. We weren't even trying for a baby and it happened. So please be patient & just have fun with your partner :)

Mother's Day Gift

My husband brought in a package this morning that was left in his car yesterday and set it on the table so I wouldn't miss it when I came downstairs. The box said "Happy Mother's Day", there was no name to go with the return address either, so I was very curious to see what was inside. Inside the box was a teddy bear. Now most of you may think that a teddy bear is a teddy bear, but this bear is special. It has some weight to it, kind of like what a baby would weigh, and its dressed in a baby outfit. The bear represents my Cameron and how I can hold him whenever I want. To me this is the greatest gift I could ever recieve. I'm thankful that I know one person from the town the return address is from or else this would be slightly weird. But I do know at least one person from there and I'm so grateful for her.

God is bigger than your troubles

The title of this post is something im battling with at the moment. Tonight at church Pastor "Joe" talked about giving our troubles to God during communion, I did just that. But at the time my troubles hadn't been bothering me as much as they did once I gave them to God. Isn't it funny how that works? We are told that God is bigger than all our troubles (problems, worries etc) and that He can handle whatever we give Him, so why is it so easy to just let them go once we hand them over? I've realized we often don't fully give them over to Him because we like to be in control of our lives and its so easy to let these things consume us. Yes, I struggle with this myself. </p>

Last week I felt the urge to pray dangerously by asking God to show us where he wants us to be, and I asked some family to do the same. A day after I asked my Grandma to pray this with me, He answered my prayers. Now we don't understand what it all means yet, but something about the answer, or clue just feels right. Im still praying that He shows us where we belong in this strange world. I know wherever it is, we'll be happy.

Sweet dreams friends

So in my last post I had mentioned, okay complained, that I hadn't had my monthly visitor yet. Well, turns out I just needed to be patient and let my body do it's own thing. Although I did get it, I was a little sad that I wasn't pregnant. But I'm guessing God is trying to teach me to be even more patient that I think I am. I know someday He will bless my family and I with another baby, I just have to trust in Him that it'll happen when He sees fit. At the end of January I joined my very first bible study ever with a church I had only attended two times. I was scared out of my mind! For about a year, God has put in my heart to find a new church to grow spiritually with Him. I finally got the courage to do this, despite my husbands effort at first, so I went alone. That first service was amazing, I didn't know how much my heart was aching for sermons like that. The pastor made everything so clear to me, it felt like he was speaking directly to me. When I spoke with the pastor after the second time attending church, he informed me that the women were getting ready to start a new study. Can I be honest with you? I was scared out of my mind that first night of bible study. I was so afraid that these women would judge me and would be able to see all the hardships I had been through. I thought maybe I would been seen as someone similar to Hester Prynne, but instead of an "A" they would see "M" for miscarriage on my clothing. Boy was I ever wrong! These woman were so nice and welcoming. I had no idea that they would welcome a complete stranger to their church so openly, but they did. Over the past few months I have made new friendships. It's amazing when you open your heart to God when He is speaking you, what He will do in your life. We just wrapped the bible study up and are taking a month off before we start our summer one. So many woman have signed up that we have to have 3 different groups, one of which I am leading. If I thought my nerves were crazy attending the bible study then, I can only imagine what they will be like the day that I have to lead it by myself. I do know that God will give me the strength and right words for it, I just have to believe in Him. Since atteding the study I can tell I'm a more confident person and I know its because I had a great leader and the book was amazing in helping me realize some of the stuff I was doing was only hurting me. For example, being jealous of people who seem to have it all (cars, house, family, most of all money) but the study taught me that I'm not equipped to have what they have, both the good and bad. I just pray that I can do the new book justice and make my new friend proud in choosing me to lead this group. Enough about me for now. Have a safe Cinco De Mayo weekend!! God bless

Yiruma - Kiss the Rain

This is the song my husband and I were talking about on Easter and heard during the Remembering Together Service in October for infant and pregnancy loss

Easter Sunday was a pretty good day for me and my family. We went to church in the morning and then my husband grilled steaks and made a delicious lunch. While we were eating, my husband was playing a song on his phone that he came across earlier in the week. We decided that it sounded eerily familiar to both of us and spent a while trying to figure out where we heard it from. We decided we heard it at a funeral and had to think of who's it was that we had been to recently. Then it dawned on my husband and he said, "I know where we heard this, it was at Cameron's memorial service". That is the first time I had heard him refer to our baby by his name and it broke my heart all over again.

Hearing Brady speak Cameron's name Sunday has had my emotions all over the place. No crying or anything, just feeling jealous of all the women who are pregnant right now,jealous of the people who have never experienced the loss of a pregnancy (and I don't wish it on anyone).

About 3 weeks ago I experience some abnormal bleeding a week after my regular cycle, and I was advised to stop taking my birth control until we figured out why this was happening. I took a home pregnancy test, negative; took a blood test, negative. Last week I had a yearly exam and am currently waiting the results. I was supposed to have my cycle this week and have yet to have it. Normally when I have switched or stopped birth control pills, my body has bounced back and if it was late it was only a day late. I am four days late.

I have no idea what's going on, its like I dont even know my body anymore. Anyways, I just had to get this off of my chest, thanks for listening (reading). I hope you all had a great Easter weekend!

One year later....

Yesterday was the one year "anniversary" of my miscarriage. I put it in quotes because anniversary is supposed to be a happy celebration, this is not that time.

Yesterday started out okay, I paid bills, balanced the checkbook, followed by going to town to get some groceries. I spent the day fighting my emotions because I dont want to cry in front of my daughter, doing that only makes it worse because her innocence is so sweet. All in all, the day went much better than I thought it would (but dont ever go shopping when you're feeling blue, not so good things will find their way into your cart).

Has anyone noticed that when you're feeling down about something, anything at all, your kid refuses to listen to you? That was my daughter yesterday. Somehow we managed to survive the day without hurting eachother.

Yesterday went on almost like any other day, except for that huge reminder of what happened a year ago. Today, however, hasn't started out so good. I was woken up by the awful smell of skunk, not pleasant to wake up to. Then I get on facebook and see a friend has posted a picutre of her pregnant belly.

Cue all emotions flooding at once.

I dont want to be jealous or angry about her having a healthy second pregnancy, but I can't help it since my second one failed. I'm only human right? I dont want to get into too much detail, but I have a lot of reasons to be jealous and maybe envious. I haven't felt like this in all my life, but since I miscarried, I have been angry at pregnant women who flaunt their bellies and have a beautiful glow about them. And what makes my anger and jealousy worse, is seeing that pregnant woman with another kid or two towing behind her.

Yes, I dont know her story but even if I did, would it stop my anger and jealousy? Only God knows. One thing I have learned from the bible study I'm in, is that I'm not equiped to handle what these women have. The good and bad. I have to constantly remind myself of this whenever I start to have all these feeling racing to the surface. It's not easy, nothing in life is, I have learned that over the past year.

I was planning on releasing balloons yesterday, but since my husband has been working out of town, I have decided to wait until he gets home. My best friend sent off a green balloon, with a message on it for me yesterday. How did I get so lucky to have her in my life? She's been so amazing to me this last year and I'm ever so grateful for her.

Don't think that since the first year is done and passed that I'm going to quit blogging. I will continue to blog, it may not be very often, but I will still let you know how the healing process is going. :) Have a good one!

This is a line from Taylor Swift "Back to December", but this line kept playing in my head this morning and I find it kind of fitting.

Prayer

I found this prayer in a book that I've had close to me for the last year, and I want to share it with you.

"Jesus, during your time on earth, you healed broken people who came to you. I come to you now seeking healing for my own brokenness.
My body feels broken.
My spirit seems broken.
My heart is broken.
Please, lay your hands on my life:
make me physically whole again;
help me trust you in this shadow season;
fill the excruciating hole in my heart.
Nurture & restore the relationships that sustain me:
my relationship with my spouse;
my relationship with my own parents;
my relationships with my friends;
my relationship with you,
Hold me during this night, so I can be watching when the morning breaks and joy comes again.
In your name, Amen."

These words are everything that I am currently praying for and have been all year. Losing a child is extremely hard & relationships sometimes fall apart in our time of grief. We have to fully rely on God to heal us, and I've learned to accept that He heals on his own time, never ours.

Penny for my thoughts

As the one year approaches, I'm finding myself having conflicting emotions. One day, I'm completely fine and unaware of the approaching date. The next I just want to stay in bed and have no human contact. But as a stay at home mom, staying in bed is not an option for me. Today is kind of one of those days.

As the day draws closer, my mind keeps replaying the night I miscarried. Like I've said in other posts, I want to shake the images from my mind but I also want to hold on to them because I get to see my baby. I regret not holding the baby still to this day, but it's something I have to live with. I think I'm having phantom pains as it gets closer too. I get these cramps out of nowhere, for no reason whatsoever and nothing works to make them go away (tylenol or motrin). If I'm already having these now, I pray I don't feel that horrible feeling I did that night that Morphin couldn't numb when the day finally approaches.

I've been in contact with some people from church about getting a group started for women who've miscarried and I have met someone who has started one for Infertility and Miscarriage, it should be interesting to see how we can help women. I've always wanted to help people, but who knew I'd be helping them because of something tragic like this. I know God has a plan for all of us, so I'm going to listen to Him & do his will.

I plan on releasing ballons on March 7th for baby Cameron, a few of my friends from other towns are going to release one as well. Im very blessed to have these people in my life, withouth them I dont think I could be as strong as I am now.

There's a song that recently came out from one of my favorite christian artists, Britt Nicole. It talks about God always being with us and never leaving us. It's brought me such comfort since it came out and I'd like to share it with you. I hope you like it. God Bless.

when the stars go blue

I haven't blogged in a while and I survived the holidays but now I keep getting attacked by these crying fits. They come out if no where! And they aren't the im sad tears, they are tears of anger. This past year I have become closer to God and I don't want to be angry with him about losing my baby, but I wish I had a full understanding of why it happened. Ive become friends with some great women this year because we have lost children, all in different ways to. Some from SIDS, anecephaly and miscarriage. These women are asking and wondering why there babies had to die as well and sometimes I feel like my grief isn't the same as there's because I lost my baby and I didn't know the sex or what to name it or if I should even hold it after I "delivered" it. Im still having these flashbacks of the night it happened and its so hard to wake up or shake them from my head because in my dreams or flashbacks I still have my baby. I can still see Cameron looking so peaceful and beautiful. But these women have made me feel like I belonged. I know that sounds crazy but they made me feel like no matter how I lost my baby, I wasn't alone.

Lately, I've been trying to stay away from this page they created because it was starting to become depressing for me, so I thought I was getting better. But then the flashbacks started and so did the crying fits, so I knew it had nothing to do with the group. I'm trying to be strong and not think of it but no matter how hard I try, I'm still very broken.

I find myself lately wanting this to have never happened at all. And i'm not talking about the miscarriage. I'm talking about the pregancy itself, because if I was never pregnant I wouldn't be hurting so bad. Nobody should have to experience the loss of a child, no matter how old or young the child is, it's a hurt that nobody fully recovers from.

Every month I buy pregnancy tests, not because we are trying to get pregnant but because my body hasn't been the same since and I dont feel like its even mine. I dont know its signals anymore. And each time that test comes out negative, i'm happy and slightly disappointed. I'm happy because i dont want to be pregnant. I"m scared as hell to be pregnant again. I was never nervous about miscarrying when I was carrying Alyson, and with Cameron things just felt wrong the whole time. Now i'm scared that its going to happen again, or worse. Maybe my baby will be born sick and God will test me again and I pray he never uses one of my children to test me again. I want more children, I truely do, i'm just scared.

I just want March 7 to get here already so I can get this first year completely out of the way. I want things to get easier. I dont want to cry anymore. I dont want to hurt anymore. I can't even exercise without feeling selfish because I feel like I need to be spending every waking minute I have, with Alyson. I'm doing the best I can, but there are days where I just wish I wasn't a stay at home mom, like today. I'm writing this with my eyes pouring faster than I can wipe them and I dont want Aly to see me or hear me crying. She needs her mother to be strong for her and full of focus and happiness. I hope I raise her to know that that she can overcome anything this crazy world throws at her. But in order for me to teach her that, I have to swallow my words and learn from what I want to teach her. So my prayer for myself today and everyday, also for whoever is expericening the same thing is that God shows us there's more to life than what we've been given. We've been given bad and good things, let us be reminded we dont always have to be strong because He is strong enough for us all. It's okay to cry, but we have to let it out so it doesnt eat at us and bring us down further. I pray that we will see true happiness again soon, and that we don't have to wear this mask anymore. :)

I appreciate everyone who's reading this, its therapy getting all this out and i'm sorry its all so random but my thoughts are not straight these days.

God Bless

Lullabies

Lullabies

Daddy please don't look so sad,

Mommy please don't cry,

I am in the arms of Jesus

and He sings me lullabies.

Please do not try to question God,

don't think He is unkind.

Don't think He sent me to you and

that He changed His mind.

You see, I am special

and I'm needed up above.

I'm the special child you gave Him,

the product of your love.

I'll always be there with you.

So watch the sky at night.

Find the brightest star that's gleaming.

That's my halo's brilliant light.

So Daddy please don't look so sad,

Mommy please don't cry.

I am in the arms of Jesus,

and He sings me lullabies

*This was in the program at the remembering together service, I thought I'd share it with you all.*

I am not alone

Today my husband and I attending a "Remembering Together" service. It was very obvious that we were new to this. I was very emotional, I couldn't look at anyone during the service, especially during the music numbers. When we signed in, they asked us to write down the name of our child and if we wanted it to be named off during the balloon release. It was so hard for me to write down Cameron's name and write on the card that would be sent off into the sky. I quickly scribbled down my words to him through tears and included "xoxo", I just wanted to write so much more than the card would allow. After we released the balloons we read poem that I could barely say aloud, and then we went inside for a little reception so we could all get a chance to talk and share stories.

My husband and I just kind of sat in our seats, unsure of what to do. Two Chaplains came up to us and told us that if we needed anything to call the hospital and ask to speak to one of them and they would pray for us and be there for us. We had a few other people talk to us and ask us our story, and laid a hand on my shoulder. When they did that small gesture, I would start crying all over again. I felt out of place for a little bit because I saw people had brought scrapbooks of there babies, and actualy photographs and all I brought was the only picture I had, my sonograph. But one lady made me feel like I did belong, she shared with me that she not only lost her son when he was only a month old, but that she also had three miscarriages. We talked a while and she told me about a support group that is held once a month in town and how she hoped to see me there.

These two songs below have helped me get through this weekend, especially while writing this blog.
Once again, thank you to all of you who are reading this and letting me share my story and journey to healing. God bless.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AbRQvrBgCJA&feature=colike


http://youtu.be/VHlQ6sBEO9A

"Darkness Doesn't Stand A Chance"

Lately I've started talking about when we have another child. I don't when exactly it started, but I think I'm starting to get better and finally accept that maybe God doesn't want me to just have Alyson as my only child, that maybe I'm supposed to be a mom to more than one child. Lately I've felt like my heart and mind have been battling, like my mind has accepted what happened but my heart is still broken. Which I know will take time to heal, I'm not trying to rush into anything. It seems like I have a different feeling everyday on trying for another baby. Yesterday I was fine, and actually thought my heart had healed & told me it was ready to love again. But today I feel the opposite. I can't even begin to describe how my heart feels today. It literally hurts, I feel it in my chest and I just want to hug it. I know that sounds crazy but you know when you see someone you know hurting  you hug them, well I want to hug my heart because it's hurting. I think physically my body is ready but I'm just not sure about emotionally & mentally. I'm scared to death to get pregnant again. I'm scared I'll miscarry again or something worse will happen. I just dont want to experience that nightmare again. There's not a day that I dont ask God to give me strength & courage to move on. Someday I'll be pregnant, but I'm just leaving that in Gods hands. He'll know before I do when I'm ready physically, emotionally & mentally to love and welcome a pregnancy with joy. He also knows when that happens, I'll be able to trust him more and I will be able to put my pregnancy in His hands and know it's safe with him on my side walking with me and holding my hand.

Thank you to the few people who've been reading this, it means a lot to me.

God Bless

Cameron

August needs to hurry up and end already, it's been a very tough month. The first few weeks felt like constant reminders that I'm supposed to be having a baby at the end of the month and now that the end of the month is here...well my arms are aching to hold a newborn, I feel empty inside. I don't want you to think that I can't get over this, but I'm grieving the loss of my child, whom I've named by the way. A mother bonds with her child the minute she finds out she's pregnant, its a bond that cant really be explained it just happens. You're filled with such a strong love that makes you literally glow. I feel like i've been cheated the chance to be a mother of two.

I've never been through anything like this before, and I dont want to ever again. I'm tired of constantly being reminded that I should have a newborn and a 3 year old. When I miscarried, it seemed like almost everyone I know has had a miscarriage or knew someone, but nobody wants to talk about it. When I get the oppurtunity to tell someone that I miscarried, I take it. The other day someone told me they had just welcomed a new grandchild and I told them that I would've had a baby around the same time if we hadn't lost our baby. I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable or feel sorry for me, I just want to break the silence on it. 

I've looked on the internet for information on miscarriage and there's hardly anything out there. The only information I could find was on the signs of a miscarriage and how your body will feel a week after it happens. I have yet to find a site that tells you what to expect in the long term, how to get people around you to understand you're not crazy or dragging the grief out. And on that thought, I've made the decision to make an appointment with my Doctor and talk to him about getting some counseling for myself so I can have someone to talk to and maybe find some understanding, and closure so I can continue to heal in a good way.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, it sure helps me out a lot write my feelings and thoughts out.

In His Love,
Jill 

Phil 4:13

It's been a while since I've last blogged, which could mean a few things. That I'm either doing better, or just got busy. Well, it's a little bit of both. My summer was full of birthdays, weddings and summer getaways. I have had my fill of ups and downs this summer, mostly ups and for that, I praise God.

But as August approached, I slowly started falling back into a slight depression. I tried to overcome it by prayer and telling the Devil he's not going to get me down. He didn't win, but I haven't either. I know God is holding my hand through this rough journey, but I'm human & tend to have my doubtful days.

This month is full of "what could have beens", as my "due date" approaches I'm moody, and just want to be left alone (which would've been next week). Just when I think I'm doing better, I hear of someone else who has miscarried, or lost their unborn child and its too much for me. I ask the question, "why are all these sweet babies dying before their time?" I just don't understand why this has to happen to so many couples, it's a hurt that no one should have to deal with. It's a lot to go through for a couple, it can put strain on the relationship, even if you try to prevent it-it's there.

I'm learning that men deal with miscarriage a lot differently than women do. My husband was by my side in the hospital and stayed home from work for a few days. But it seemed that once he returned to work, he had already healed from our loss. Men don't talk about their feelings, which is frustrating to us women because we're talkers. It often feels like I'm in this fight to over come my grief alone, because I dont know how to communicate my feelings to my husband without getting angry & starting a fight, just so I can get a good cry to show him how much I'm hurting, even months after the miscarriage.

I'm still terrified about getting pregnant again. I'm not ready for it, physically, emotionally. So with that fear comes the lack of intimacy in my marriage, and the trust in birth control, thus the strain in my marriage. We've talked about this and he seems to think that I'm wallowing in my pain and refuse to get over this and refuse to get on with life. Well I'm sorry bucko, but its not something that can easily be done! I carried that child for 15 weeks, I already had a bond with that baby and very strong love for our baby. I experienced the physical pain of losing that baby, every ounce of my love and energy was taken from me that awful night. A very big piece of my heart was crushed, that hasn't healed yet and is going to take time to heal.

My heart aches every day for my baby, but I know I'll see him/her soon when I leave this earth. And when I arrive in paradise, he'll coming running into my arms and say "I've been waiting for you mommy". I have a new definition of Heaven knowing that my baby is waiting for me, it truly will be my paradise.

"Hands of mercy wont you cover me, Lord right now I'm asking you to be strong enough for the both of us." Matthew West "Strong Enough".....that song has been giving me strength these past few weeks. Later in the song he sings Phil 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength", which is so very true. We dont have to be strong enough to get through the challenges life gives us, all we have to do is rely on Him to help us, and have faith that he will provide healing and maybe someday understanding. But right now, we dont have to.

Please friends, family & strangers who are reading this...please pray for all the women, couples and families who are grieving the loss of an unborn child. May God provide you the knowledge of what to say to comfort these people, and know when to just reach out your arms and just hold them. Let them know you love them & will be their ears when they need to vent their feelings. Be the friend you would like to have in your time of need.  And for those of you who are currently grieving or have grieved, please hold on to your spouse, or whoever please dont let this get to your relationship. God doesnt want this to destroy it, but make it stronger.

Thank you for reading, God bless

One Month Later

April 7th marks a month since I miscarried. I saw my Dr March 22 for a follow up and he didn't have any answers for me as to why I miscarried. I wish they would just lie and tell you that the baby was sick and wasn't strong enough to live in my uterus. I think that would be easier for me to handle than getting an answer like I got. "It's just a crummy thing that happened." Well no duh!!

Some of you are probably wondering how I'm doing. Well, to be honest I'm not quite sure. I mean I have my days where I'm perfectly fine and it doesn't even affect me. Then there are days where I just want to be alone and grieve. But being a stay at home mom, that's not an option for me. I finally had a break down about a week ago and spent days just crying all day long. I would cry over everything. I dont think it was all about the miscarriage either. Just stress from the hospital bills that keep coming, regular bills and just everything. It seemed to come down on me in my weakest moment. I finally called my Dr and he gave me some medicine and it seems to be helping so far. I tried to rely on God and let him take over everything but there was only so much I could faith in. I know He never gives us more than we can handle, but I have no idea why he puts women through this. It's absolutely heartbreaking, and painful to go through. It's a very mean thing to put a body through. To be pregnant one minute and then to have to except that losing the pregnancy isn't your fault is just plain mean!!

I guess a lot of my anger towards God is just unanswered questions. I want to know why, and was there anything I could've done differently to prevent it from happening. I've had people ask me if we're going to try to get pregnant again. I'm not ready for it. And I'm scared shitless to be pregnant again. I'm terrified it'll happen again. My husband told me over the weekend that he wanted to try again when we got discharged from the hospital. To be honest with all of you, I'm not sure I ever want to get pregnant again. I know time will tell but right now it's the last thing I want. My Alyson is enough for me right now. She keeps me going. She reminds me to be strong for her. I've learned that she's feeding off of my emotions and attitude. When I'm sad and upset, she acts out to get attention. When I'm happy, she's happy and a good child. Well, as good as an almost 3 year old can be :) Yes, I do miss the smell, the coos of a newborn. And the every willing to cuddle with me. But it's not for me right now. I've probably broken my husbands heart by not wanting another anytime soon but he has to understand that its my body. I have to do whats right for me.

The one good thing that's come from the last month is my relationship with God. I've become closer to him. I'm learning to give him all my worries and troubles, because a person doesn't get anything accomplished by worrying.

Journey to Healing

I've been looking for things that would help me understand miscarriage better. Why it happens. How you're supposed to feel after wards. What the signs of miscarriage are. And everything I found is scary, because it is scary to experience this. I've been getting closer to God over the last few months and especially after finding out I was pregnant I really felt a true connection to him that I haven't felt in a long time. After losing this pregnancy, I wanted to find a christian way to deal and heal from this. I couldn't find anything at first. No blogs or internet articles. But then I found a book by Elise Erikson Barrett "What was lost: A Christian Journey Through Miscarriage". I ordered this book and have read a few chapters. I already love it. At the end of the chapters it has reflection questions where you write down your experience, and also exercises to help you heal. Along with writing it all in a notebook, I'm going to blog about it. By doing this, I hope I can help other women out there who are going through this as well. And if you like what I'm writing, please go out and check this book out. If my answers are helping you that much, just think of what the book can do for you. God bless.

***After the first two chapters of the book, it asks you to reflect on how you felt when you found out you were pregnant. If it brought you closer to God, did your prayers change. The second chapter asks you to reflect on the miscarriage itself. Was it out of the blue, did you anticipate it. How did the medical professionals treat you and help you with it. Well, I think I explained all of the pretty well with my first blog. So I will leave it at that for now.*** I do hope that whoever reads this, it helps you understand that a miscarriage isn't just a loss of an embryo. It's the loss of an actual baby. That to the mother it was her child, her flesh and blood. No matter how far along in the pregnancy the miscarriage was, it is still a major loss.

*God's Tiny Angel*

When I found out I was pregnant with our second child, I was scared and excited. I was excited we were expanding our family of three, to a family of four. It's an exciting time in a womans life to be pregnant and to know that you are the home of a little life inside of you. You're responsible for that little persons life.

Now, if I may be completely honest. My first pregnancy wasn't the best time of my life. I didn't enjoy all of the changes my body had to endure. The horomones alone were enough to make me crazy! I did enjoy feeling my baby girl moving inside of me. Kicking me, getting her foot or hand wrapped around my ribs. It was uncomfortable but I loved it. To me, it was her way of saying, "Hey mom,don't forget I'm in here. Take care of me." And I did. I carried her to term and she was a healthy 7 lb 12 oz baby girl.

With this pregnancy, the morning sickness started right away. I had to switch my prenatals to the flinstone's because I was so nauseated all the time. That seemed to work for a while. When I was about 10 weeks, I had noticed some spotting. It wasn't heavy or anything, I didn't have any cramps but it scared me non the less. When I called my Dr's office, the nurse told me it was probably nothing but she wanted to schedule a sonogram just to be safe. My husband went with me to my appointment for support. When we saw the baby and saw the flicker of a heartbeat (172) we instantly relaxed. The ultra sound tech confirmed that I was 10 weeks and told us my Dr would call me once he had a chance to look at the pictures. About an hour later I got a phone call from my nurse and she said everything was fine, and there was a small bleed in my cervix and advised me to take it easy for a few days. I was relieved when I heard this, but there was something in me saying that something wasn't right.

Week 15. I woke up Saturday morning with a full day ahead of me. I had a hair appointment early that morning, then I was going to meet up with my husband and daughter to run errands. After my hair appointment, I started to experience some cramping. I didn't think anything of it because I thought it was from everything stretching, or indigestion. It seemed to get a little stronger than night when my husband and I were at the Brandon Heath concert. I still didn't think anything of it. Sunday morning I when I woke up to get ready for church, I didn't feel right. I didn't feel sick, but I still had cramps. And they were a little stronger than the day before. I stayed home from church and told my mom what was going on. She told me to lay on the couch with my feet up and not to do anything that day.

Despite not doing anything, they kept getting stronger and seemed to last longer. I knew in my mind that something really wasn't right. I told my husband, and he thought it was because I needed to go to the bathroom. I called him an insensitve jerk because it didn't feel like that to me at all. Later, when I was laying in bed for the night, I noticed they were a lot stronger and closer than before. I had text my mom and let her know they still hadn't gone away and also I wasn't too worried about it because I wasn't bleeding. Well, about an hour later I woke up with horrible cramps that had me doubled over. I went downstairs to the bathroom and it was then that I noticed I had indeed started bleeding. And it wasn't light, it was heavy.

I immediately called the OB department at the hospital and told them what was going on. But since I wasn't 24 weeks yet, they couldn't see me and suggested I go to the ER. I went back upstairs, woke my husband up and told him to get dressed and take me to the hospital. While I was getting ready to go, he got our daughter in the truck and back asleep.

We live about 20 minutes from the hospital and it gave me time to think on the way there. I kept asking God "Why are you doing this to me?" I was angry with him for letting this happen. When I got out of the truck at the ER, I had blood running down my legs. It felt like forever in the waiting room. I finally was seen and taken in to the triage room to get checked out. The nurse looked at me and asked what I was in for. And when I told her how far along I was, the look on her face confirmed what I was feeling. A miscarriage.

That night in the ER was the worst night of my life.

The Dr. did a pelvic exam to confirm what everyone knew. He told me and my husband that it was an inevitable misscarriage. There was nothing they could do to save my baby. I had to get a sonogram that night as well, so they could get a look at the baby. The lady asked me how far along I thought I was and I told her 15 weeks. She paused and said, "Well you already know you're having a miscarriage and there's no heartbeat. But I'm measuring the baby at 12 weeks". I was speechless. I just laid there and cried. The "cramps", which I knew were contractions, were so painful but my heart also hurt just as bad.

Once I was back in the exam room, the nurse came in to exlain what my options were. She told me I would either have to have a D & C done. Dialation and Curettage. Which are words that mean stretching your cervix or opening of your uterus and then scraping to gently cleanse the remains of the pregnancy. Such as any left over tissue. Well I knew right away I didn't want that. Then she said I could also do this on my own. They would usually send someone home to do this, but I was bleeding so much they wanted me there. Around 4:40 am I delivered by baby. We got to look at it. It was still in the sac and was much smaller than I wanted it to be. The nurse then moved me to the OB to be observed until my Dr was able to talk to me later in the morning. On the way there, she told me they would try everything they could to get us fingerprints and let us know the sex of our child. But they couldn't do either of those because it was so small. I'm still upset that they didn't at least give us hand and footprints. I dont care if they all those lines I just want it. But I didn't think of any of that until it was too late.

Once we were settled in to our new room, the new nurse didn't close the door all the way. We could hear all the newborns crying. The sound of a newborn cry is beautiful and makes you cry just to hear it. But for me, who just lost my chance at being a mom to two children, it was the most beautiful and heartbreaking sound I've ever heard.

I know earlier I said I was angry with God for letting this happen to me and my family. But I knew he was with me in the hospital holding my hand, guiding me through this horrible experience. When I was checked out in the triage, my blood pressure was 120/74. At that point, I felt God wrap his loving arms around me. It was him who kept me safe that night. I am so blessed to have him as my Heavenly Father. A God who loves all of his children and guides them through everything in life, not just the good, but the bad as well.

When my husband called his parents to let them know, his dad told him to look up  Isaiah 57. It says: "1.The righteous perishes, and no man takes it to heart; merciful men are taken away, while no one considers that the righteous is taken away from evil. 2. He shall enter into peace; they shall rest in their beds, each one walking in his uprighness." Isn't that the truth? God didn't do this to hurt me. He did it to protect my baby from the evil that's to come in this world.