Lullabies

Lullabies

Daddy please don't look so sad,

Mommy please don't cry,

I am in the arms of Jesus

and He sings me lullabies.

Please do not try to question God,

don't think He is unkind.

Don't think He sent me to you and

that He changed His mind.

You see, I am special

and I'm needed up above.

I'm the special child you gave Him,

the product of your love.

I'll always be there with you.

So watch the sky at night.

Find the brightest star that's gleaming.

That's my halo's brilliant light.

So Daddy please don't look so sad,

Mommy please don't cry.

I am in the arms of Jesus,

and He sings me lullabies

*This was in the program at the remembering together service, I thought I'd share it with you all.*

I am not alone

Today my husband and I attending a "Remembering Together" service. It was very obvious that we were new to this. I was very emotional, I couldn't look at anyone during the service, especially during the music numbers. When we signed in, they asked us to write down the name of our child and if we wanted it to be named off during the balloon release. It was so hard for me to write down Cameron's name and write on the card that would be sent off into the sky. I quickly scribbled down my words to him through tears and included "xoxo", I just wanted to write so much more than the card would allow. After we released the balloons we read poem that I could barely say aloud, and then we went inside for a little reception so we could all get a chance to talk and share stories.

My husband and I just kind of sat in our seats, unsure of what to do. Two Chaplains came up to us and told us that if we needed anything to call the hospital and ask to speak to one of them and they would pray for us and be there for us. We had a few other people talk to us and ask us our story, and laid a hand on my shoulder. When they did that small gesture, I would start crying all over again. I felt out of place for a little bit because I saw people had brought scrapbooks of there babies, and actualy photographs and all I brought was the only picture I had, my sonograph. But one lady made me feel like I did belong, she shared with me that she not only lost her son when he was only a month old, but that she also had three miscarriages. We talked a while and she told me about a support group that is held once a month in town and how she hoped to see me there.

These two songs below have helped me get through this weekend, especially while writing this blog.
Once again, thank you to all of you who are reading this and letting me share my story and journey to healing. God bless.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AbRQvrBgCJA&feature=colike


http://youtu.be/VHlQ6sBEO9A

"Darkness Doesn't Stand A Chance"

Lately I've started talking about when we have another child. I don't when exactly it started, but I think I'm starting to get better and finally accept that maybe God doesn't want me to just have Alyson as my only child, that maybe I'm supposed to be a mom to more than one child. Lately I've felt like my heart and mind have been battling, like my mind has accepted what happened but my heart is still broken. Which I know will take time to heal, I'm not trying to rush into anything. It seems like I have a different feeling everyday on trying for another baby. Yesterday I was fine, and actually thought my heart had healed & told me it was ready to love again. But today I feel the opposite. I can't even begin to describe how my heart feels today. It literally hurts, I feel it in my chest and I just want to hug it. I know that sounds crazy but you know when you see someone you know hurting  you hug them, well I want to hug my heart because it's hurting. I think physically my body is ready but I'm just not sure about emotionally & mentally. I'm scared to death to get pregnant again. I'm scared I'll miscarry again or something worse will happen. I just dont want to experience that nightmare again. There's not a day that I dont ask God to give me strength & courage to move on. Someday I'll be pregnant, but I'm just leaving that in Gods hands. He'll know before I do when I'm ready physically, emotionally & mentally to love and welcome a pregnancy with joy. He also knows when that happens, I'll be able to trust him more and I will be able to put my pregnancy in His hands and know it's safe with him on my side walking with me and holding my hand.

Thank you to the few people who've been reading this, it means a lot to me.

God Bless

Cameron

August needs to hurry up and end already, it's been a very tough month. The first few weeks felt like constant reminders that I'm supposed to be having a baby at the end of the month and now that the end of the month is here...well my arms are aching to hold a newborn, I feel empty inside. I don't want you to think that I can't get over this, but I'm grieving the loss of my child, whom I've named by the way. A mother bonds with her child the minute she finds out she's pregnant, its a bond that cant really be explained it just happens. You're filled with such a strong love that makes you literally glow. I feel like i've been cheated the chance to be a mother of two.

I've never been through anything like this before, and I dont want to ever again. I'm tired of constantly being reminded that I should have a newborn and a 3 year old. When I miscarried, it seemed like almost everyone I know has had a miscarriage or knew someone, but nobody wants to talk about it. When I get the oppurtunity to tell someone that I miscarried, I take it. The other day someone told me they had just welcomed a new grandchild and I told them that I would've had a baby around the same time if we hadn't lost our baby. I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable or feel sorry for me, I just want to break the silence on it. 

I've looked on the internet for information on miscarriage and there's hardly anything out there. The only information I could find was on the signs of a miscarriage and how your body will feel a week after it happens. I have yet to find a site that tells you what to expect in the long term, how to get people around you to understand you're not crazy or dragging the grief out. And on that thought, I've made the decision to make an appointment with my Doctor and talk to him about getting some counseling for myself so I can have someone to talk to and maybe find some understanding, and closure so I can continue to heal in a good way.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, it sure helps me out a lot write my feelings and thoughts out.

In His Love,
Jill 

Phil 4:13

It's been a while since I've last blogged, which could mean a few things. That I'm either doing better, or just got busy. Well, it's a little bit of both. My summer was full of birthdays, weddings and summer getaways. I have had my fill of ups and downs this summer, mostly ups and for that, I praise God.

But as August approached, I slowly started falling back into a slight depression. I tried to overcome it by prayer and telling the Devil he's not going to get me down. He didn't win, but I haven't either. I know God is holding my hand through this rough journey, but I'm human & tend to have my doubtful days.

This month is full of "what could have beens", as my "due date" approaches I'm moody, and just want to be left alone (which would've been next week). Just when I think I'm doing better, I hear of someone else who has miscarried, or lost their unborn child and its too much for me. I ask the question, "why are all these sweet babies dying before their time?" I just don't understand why this has to happen to so many couples, it's a hurt that no one should have to deal with. It's a lot to go through for a couple, it can put strain on the relationship, even if you try to prevent it-it's there.

I'm learning that men deal with miscarriage a lot differently than women do. My husband was by my side in the hospital and stayed home from work for a few days. But it seemed that once he returned to work, he had already healed from our loss. Men don't talk about their feelings, which is frustrating to us women because we're talkers. It often feels like I'm in this fight to over come my grief alone, because I dont know how to communicate my feelings to my husband without getting angry & starting a fight, just so I can get a good cry to show him how much I'm hurting, even months after the miscarriage.

I'm still terrified about getting pregnant again. I'm not ready for it, physically, emotionally. So with that fear comes the lack of intimacy in my marriage, and the trust in birth control, thus the strain in my marriage. We've talked about this and he seems to think that I'm wallowing in my pain and refuse to get over this and refuse to get on with life. Well I'm sorry bucko, but its not something that can easily be done! I carried that child for 15 weeks, I already had a bond with that baby and very strong love for our baby. I experienced the physical pain of losing that baby, every ounce of my love and energy was taken from me that awful night. A very big piece of my heart was crushed, that hasn't healed yet and is going to take time to heal.

My heart aches every day for my baby, but I know I'll see him/her soon when I leave this earth. And when I arrive in paradise, he'll coming running into my arms and say "I've been waiting for you mommy". I have a new definition of Heaven knowing that my baby is waiting for me, it truly will be my paradise.

"Hands of mercy wont you cover me, Lord right now I'm asking you to be strong enough for the both of us." Matthew West "Strong Enough".....that song has been giving me strength these past few weeks. Later in the song he sings Phil 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength", which is so very true. We dont have to be strong enough to get through the challenges life gives us, all we have to do is rely on Him to help us, and have faith that he will provide healing and maybe someday understanding. But right now, we dont have to.

Please friends, family & strangers who are reading this...please pray for all the women, couples and families who are grieving the loss of an unborn child. May God provide you the knowledge of what to say to comfort these people, and know when to just reach out your arms and just hold them. Let them know you love them & will be their ears when they need to vent their feelings. Be the friend you would like to have in your time of need.  And for those of you who are currently grieving or have grieved, please hold on to your spouse, or whoever please dont let this get to your relationship. God doesnt want this to destroy it, but make it stronger.

Thank you for reading, God bless

One Month Later

April 7th marks a month since I miscarried. I saw my Dr March 22 for a follow up and he didn't have any answers for me as to why I miscarried. I wish they would just lie and tell you that the baby was sick and wasn't strong enough to live in my uterus. I think that would be easier for me to handle than getting an answer like I got. "It's just a crummy thing that happened." Well no duh!!

Some of you are probably wondering how I'm doing. Well, to be honest I'm not quite sure. I mean I have my days where I'm perfectly fine and it doesn't even affect me. Then there are days where I just want to be alone and grieve. But being a stay at home mom, that's not an option for me. I finally had a break down about a week ago and spent days just crying all day long. I would cry over everything. I dont think it was all about the miscarriage either. Just stress from the hospital bills that keep coming, regular bills and just everything. It seemed to come down on me in my weakest moment. I finally called my Dr and he gave me some medicine and it seems to be helping so far. I tried to rely on God and let him take over everything but there was only so much I could faith in. I know He never gives us more than we can handle, but I have no idea why he puts women through this. It's absolutely heartbreaking, and painful to go through. It's a very mean thing to put a body through. To be pregnant one minute and then to have to except that losing the pregnancy isn't your fault is just plain mean!!

I guess a lot of my anger towards God is just unanswered questions. I want to know why, and was there anything I could've done differently to prevent it from happening. I've had people ask me if we're going to try to get pregnant again. I'm not ready for it. And I'm scared shitless to be pregnant again. I'm terrified it'll happen again. My husband told me over the weekend that he wanted to try again when we got discharged from the hospital. To be honest with all of you, I'm not sure I ever want to get pregnant again. I know time will tell but right now it's the last thing I want. My Alyson is enough for me right now. She keeps me going. She reminds me to be strong for her. I've learned that she's feeding off of my emotions and attitude. When I'm sad and upset, she acts out to get attention. When I'm happy, she's happy and a good child. Well, as good as an almost 3 year old can be :) Yes, I do miss the smell, the coos of a newborn. And the every willing to cuddle with me. But it's not for me right now. I've probably broken my husbands heart by not wanting another anytime soon but he has to understand that its my body. I have to do whats right for me.

The one good thing that's come from the last month is my relationship with God. I've become closer to him. I'm learning to give him all my worries and troubles, because a person doesn't get anything accomplished by worrying.

Journey to Healing

I've been looking for things that would help me understand miscarriage better. Why it happens. How you're supposed to feel after wards. What the signs of miscarriage are. And everything I found is scary, because it is scary to experience this. I've been getting closer to God over the last few months and especially after finding out I was pregnant I really felt a true connection to him that I haven't felt in a long time. After losing this pregnancy, I wanted to find a christian way to deal and heal from this. I couldn't find anything at first. No blogs or internet articles. But then I found a book by Elise Erikson Barrett "What was lost: A Christian Journey Through Miscarriage". I ordered this book and have read a few chapters. I already love it. At the end of the chapters it has reflection questions where you write down your experience, and also exercises to help you heal. Along with writing it all in a notebook, I'm going to blog about it. By doing this, I hope I can help other women out there who are going through this as well. And if you like what I'm writing, please go out and check this book out. If my answers are helping you that much, just think of what the book can do for you. God bless.

***After the first two chapters of the book, it asks you to reflect on how you felt when you found out you were pregnant. If it brought you closer to God, did your prayers change. The second chapter asks you to reflect on the miscarriage itself. Was it out of the blue, did you anticipate it. How did the medical professionals treat you and help you with it. Well, I think I explained all of the pretty well with my first blog. So I will leave it at that for now.*** I do hope that whoever reads this, it helps you understand that a miscarriage isn't just a loss of an embryo. It's the loss of an actual baby. That to the mother it was her child, her flesh and blood. No matter how far along in the pregnancy the miscarriage was, it is still a major loss.

*God's Tiny Angel*

When I found out I was pregnant with our second child, I was scared and excited. I was excited we were expanding our family of three, to a family of four. It's an exciting time in a womans life to be pregnant and to know that you are the home of a little life inside of you. You're responsible for that little persons life.

Now, if I may be completely honest. My first pregnancy wasn't the best time of my life. I didn't enjoy all of the changes my body had to endure. The horomones alone were enough to make me crazy! I did enjoy feeling my baby girl moving inside of me. Kicking me, getting her foot or hand wrapped around my ribs. It was uncomfortable but I loved it. To me, it was her way of saying, "Hey mom,don't forget I'm in here. Take care of me." And I did. I carried her to term and she was a healthy 7 lb 12 oz baby girl.

With this pregnancy, the morning sickness started right away. I had to switch my prenatals to the flinstone's because I was so nauseated all the time. That seemed to work for a while. When I was about 10 weeks, I had noticed some spotting. It wasn't heavy or anything, I didn't have any cramps but it scared me non the less. When I called my Dr's office, the nurse told me it was probably nothing but she wanted to schedule a sonogram just to be safe. My husband went with me to my appointment for support. When we saw the baby and saw the flicker of a heartbeat (172) we instantly relaxed. The ultra sound tech confirmed that I was 10 weeks and told us my Dr would call me once he had a chance to look at the pictures. About an hour later I got a phone call from my nurse and she said everything was fine, and there was a small bleed in my cervix and advised me to take it easy for a few days. I was relieved when I heard this, but there was something in me saying that something wasn't right.

Week 15. I woke up Saturday morning with a full day ahead of me. I had a hair appointment early that morning, then I was going to meet up with my husband and daughter to run errands. After my hair appointment, I started to experience some cramping. I didn't think anything of it because I thought it was from everything stretching, or indigestion. It seemed to get a little stronger than night when my husband and I were at the Brandon Heath concert. I still didn't think anything of it. Sunday morning I when I woke up to get ready for church, I didn't feel right. I didn't feel sick, but I still had cramps. And they were a little stronger than the day before. I stayed home from church and told my mom what was going on. She told me to lay on the couch with my feet up and not to do anything that day.

Despite not doing anything, they kept getting stronger and seemed to last longer. I knew in my mind that something really wasn't right. I told my husband, and he thought it was because I needed to go to the bathroom. I called him an insensitve jerk because it didn't feel like that to me at all. Later, when I was laying in bed for the night, I noticed they were a lot stronger and closer than before. I had text my mom and let her know they still hadn't gone away and also I wasn't too worried about it because I wasn't bleeding. Well, about an hour later I woke up with horrible cramps that had me doubled over. I went downstairs to the bathroom and it was then that I noticed I had indeed started bleeding. And it wasn't light, it was heavy.

I immediately called the OB department at the hospital and told them what was going on. But since I wasn't 24 weeks yet, they couldn't see me and suggested I go to the ER. I went back upstairs, woke my husband up and told him to get dressed and take me to the hospital. While I was getting ready to go, he got our daughter in the truck and back asleep.

We live about 20 minutes from the hospital and it gave me time to think on the way there. I kept asking God "Why are you doing this to me?" I was angry with him for letting this happen. When I got out of the truck at the ER, I had blood running down my legs. It felt like forever in the waiting room. I finally was seen and taken in to the triage room to get checked out. The nurse looked at me and asked what I was in for. And when I told her how far along I was, the look on her face confirmed what I was feeling. A miscarriage.

That night in the ER was the worst night of my life.

The Dr. did a pelvic exam to confirm what everyone knew. He told me and my husband that it was an inevitable misscarriage. There was nothing they could do to save my baby. I had to get a sonogram that night as well, so they could get a look at the baby. The lady asked me how far along I thought I was and I told her 15 weeks. She paused and said, "Well you already know you're having a miscarriage and there's no heartbeat. But I'm measuring the baby at 12 weeks". I was speechless. I just laid there and cried. The "cramps", which I knew were contractions, were so painful but my heart also hurt just as bad.

Once I was back in the exam room, the nurse came in to exlain what my options were. She told me I would either have to have a D & C done. Dialation and Curettage. Which are words that mean stretching your cervix or opening of your uterus and then scraping to gently cleanse the remains of the pregnancy. Such as any left over tissue. Well I knew right away I didn't want that. Then she said I could also do this on my own. They would usually send someone home to do this, but I was bleeding so much they wanted me there. Around 4:40 am I delivered by baby. We got to look at it. It was still in the sac and was much smaller than I wanted it to be. The nurse then moved me to the OB to be observed until my Dr was able to talk to me later in the morning. On the way there, she told me they would try everything they could to get us fingerprints and let us know the sex of our child. But they couldn't do either of those because it was so small. I'm still upset that they didn't at least give us hand and footprints. I dont care if they all those lines I just want it. But I didn't think of any of that until it was too late.

Once we were settled in to our new room, the new nurse didn't close the door all the way. We could hear all the newborns crying. The sound of a newborn cry is beautiful and makes you cry just to hear it. But for me, who just lost my chance at being a mom to two children, it was the most beautiful and heartbreaking sound I've ever heard.

I know earlier I said I was angry with God for letting this happen to me and my family. But I knew he was with me in the hospital holding my hand, guiding me through this horrible experience. When I was checked out in the triage, my blood pressure was 120/74. At that point, I felt God wrap his loving arms around me. It was him who kept me safe that night. I am so blessed to have him as my Heavenly Father. A God who loves all of his children and guides them through everything in life, not just the good, but the bad as well.

When my husband called his parents to let them know, his dad told him to look up  Isaiah 57. It says: "1.The righteous perishes, and no man takes it to heart; merciful men are taken away, while no one considers that the righteous is taken away from evil. 2. He shall enter into peace; they shall rest in their beds, each one walking in his uprighness." Isn't that the truth? God didn't do this to hurt me. He did it to protect my baby from the evil that's to come in this world.