This is a line from Taylor Swift "Back to December", but this line kept playing in my head this morning and I find it kind of fitting.

Prayer

I found this prayer in a book that I've had close to me for the last year, and I want to share it with you.

"Jesus, during your time on earth, you healed broken people who came to you. I come to you now seeking healing for my own brokenness.
My body feels broken.
My spirit seems broken.
My heart is broken.
Please, lay your hands on my life:
make me physically whole again;
help me trust you in this shadow season;
fill the excruciating hole in my heart.
Nurture & restore the relationships that sustain me:
my relationship with my spouse;
my relationship with my own parents;
my relationships with my friends;
my relationship with you,
Hold me during this night, so I can be watching when the morning breaks and joy comes again.
In your name, Amen."

These words are everything that I am currently praying for and have been all year. Losing a child is extremely hard & relationships sometimes fall apart in our time of grief. We have to fully rely on God to heal us, and I've learned to accept that He heals on his own time, never ours.

Penny for my thoughts

As the one year approaches, I'm finding myself having conflicting emotions. One day, I'm completely fine and unaware of the approaching date. The next I just want to stay in bed and have no human contact. But as a stay at home mom, staying in bed is not an option for me. Today is kind of one of those days.

As the day draws closer, my mind keeps replaying the night I miscarried. Like I've said in other posts, I want to shake the images from my mind but I also want to hold on to them because I get to see my baby. I regret not holding the baby still to this day, but it's something I have to live with. I think I'm having phantom pains as it gets closer too. I get these cramps out of nowhere, for no reason whatsoever and nothing works to make them go away (tylenol or motrin). If I'm already having these now, I pray I don't feel that horrible feeling I did that night that Morphin couldn't numb when the day finally approaches.

I've been in contact with some people from church about getting a group started for women who've miscarried and I have met someone who has started one for Infertility and Miscarriage, it should be interesting to see how we can help women. I've always wanted to help people, but who knew I'd be helping them because of something tragic like this. I know God has a plan for all of us, so I'm going to listen to Him & do his will.

I plan on releasing ballons on March 7th for baby Cameron, a few of my friends from other towns are going to release one as well. Im very blessed to have these people in my life, withouth them I dont think I could be as strong as I am now.

There's a song that recently came out from one of my favorite christian artists, Britt Nicole. It talks about God always being with us and never leaving us. It's brought me such comfort since it came out and I'd like to share it with you. I hope you like it. God Bless.

when the stars go blue

I haven't blogged in a while and I survived the holidays but now I keep getting attacked by these crying fits. They come out if no where! And they aren't the im sad tears, they are tears of anger. This past year I have become closer to God and I don't want to be angry with him about losing my baby, but I wish I had a full understanding of why it happened. Ive become friends with some great women this year because we have lost children, all in different ways to. Some from SIDS, anecephaly and miscarriage. These women are asking and wondering why there babies had to die as well and sometimes I feel like my grief isn't the same as there's because I lost my baby and I didn't know the sex or what to name it or if I should even hold it after I "delivered" it. Im still having these flashbacks of the night it happened and its so hard to wake up or shake them from my head because in my dreams or flashbacks I still have my baby. I can still see Cameron looking so peaceful and beautiful. But these women have made me feel like I belonged. I know that sounds crazy but they made me feel like no matter how I lost my baby, I wasn't alone.

Lately, I've been trying to stay away from this page they created because it was starting to become depressing for me, so I thought I was getting better. But then the flashbacks started and so did the crying fits, so I knew it had nothing to do with the group. I'm trying to be strong and not think of it but no matter how hard I try, I'm still very broken.

I find myself lately wanting this to have never happened at all. And i'm not talking about the miscarriage. I'm talking about the pregancy itself, because if I was never pregnant I wouldn't be hurting so bad. Nobody should have to experience the loss of a child, no matter how old or young the child is, it's a hurt that nobody fully recovers from.

Every month I buy pregnancy tests, not because we are trying to get pregnant but because my body hasn't been the same since and I dont feel like its even mine. I dont know its signals anymore. And each time that test comes out negative, i'm happy and slightly disappointed. I'm happy because i dont want to be pregnant. I"m scared as hell to be pregnant again. I was never nervous about miscarrying when I was carrying Alyson, and with Cameron things just felt wrong the whole time. Now i'm scared that its going to happen again, or worse. Maybe my baby will be born sick and God will test me again and I pray he never uses one of my children to test me again. I want more children, I truely do, i'm just scared.

I just want March 7 to get here already so I can get this first year completely out of the way. I want things to get easier. I dont want to cry anymore. I dont want to hurt anymore. I can't even exercise without feeling selfish because I feel like I need to be spending every waking minute I have, with Alyson. I'm doing the best I can, but there are days where I just wish I wasn't a stay at home mom, like today. I'm writing this with my eyes pouring faster than I can wipe them and I dont want Aly to see me or hear me crying. She needs her mother to be strong for her and full of focus and happiness. I hope I raise her to know that that she can overcome anything this crazy world throws at her. But in order for me to teach her that, I have to swallow my words and learn from what I want to teach her. So my prayer for myself today and everyday, also for whoever is expericening the same thing is that God shows us there's more to life than what we've been given. We've been given bad and good things, let us be reminded we dont always have to be strong because He is strong enough for us all. It's okay to cry, but we have to let it out so it doesnt eat at us and bring us down further. I pray that we will see true happiness again soon, and that we don't have to wear this mask anymore. :)

I appreciate everyone who's reading this, its therapy getting all this out and i'm sorry its all so random but my thoughts are not straight these days.

God Bless