April 7th marks a month since I miscarried. I saw my Dr March 22 for a follow up and he didn't have any answers for me as to why I miscarried. I wish they would just lie and tell you that the baby was sick and wasn't strong enough to live in my uterus. I think that would be easier for me to handle than getting an answer like I got. "It's just a crummy thing that happened." Well no duh!!
Some of you are probably wondering how I'm doing. Well, to be honest I'm not quite sure. I mean I have my days where I'm perfectly fine and it doesn't even affect me. Then there are days where I just want to be alone and grieve. But being a stay at home mom, that's not an option for me. I finally had a break down about a week ago and spent days just crying all day long. I would cry over everything. I dont think it was all about the miscarriage either. Just stress from the hospital bills that keep coming, regular bills and just everything. It seemed to come down on me in my weakest moment. I finally called my Dr and he gave me some medicine and it seems to be helping so far. I tried to rely on God and let him take over everything but there was only so much I could faith in. I know He never gives us more than we can handle, but I have no idea why he puts women through this. It's absolutely heartbreaking, and painful to go through. It's a very mean thing to put a body through. To be pregnant one minute and then to have to except that losing the pregnancy isn't your fault is just plain mean!!
I guess a lot of my anger towards God is just unanswered questions. I want to know why, and was there anything I could've done differently to prevent it from happening. I've had people ask me if we're going to try to get pregnant again. I'm not ready for it. And I'm scared shitless to be pregnant again. I'm terrified it'll happen again. My husband told me over the weekend that he wanted to try again when we got discharged from the hospital. To be honest with all of you, I'm not sure I ever want to get pregnant again. I know time will tell but right now it's the last thing I want. My Alyson is enough for me right now. She keeps me going. She reminds me to be strong for her. I've learned that she's feeding off of my emotions and attitude. When I'm sad and upset, she acts out to get attention. When I'm happy, she's happy and a good child. Well, as good as an almost 3 year old can be :) Yes, I do miss the smell, the coos of a newborn. And the every willing to cuddle with me. But it's not for me right now. I've probably broken my husbands heart by not wanting another anytime soon but he has to understand that its my body. I have to do whats right for me.
The one good thing that's come from the last month is my relationship with God. I've become closer to him. I'm learning to give him all my worries and troubles, because a person doesn't get anything accomplished by worrying.
