My husband brought in a package this morning that was left in his car yesterday and set it on the table so I wouldn't miss it when I came downstairs. The box said "Happy Mother's Day", there was no name to go with the return address either, so I was very curious to see what was inside. Inside the box was a teddy bear. Now most of you may think that a teddy bear is a teddy bear, but this bear is special. It has some weight to it, kind of like what a baby would weigh, and its dressed in a baby outfit. The bear represents my Cameron and how I can hold him whenever I want. To me this is the greatest gift I could ever recieve. I'm thankful that I know one person from the town the return address is from or else this would be slightly weird. But I do know at least one person from there and I'm so grateful for her.
This is my journey towards healing from miscarriage. I hope it helps other women out there, who are going through the same thing. Thank you for reading my blog.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Mother's Day Gift
Sunday, May 6, 2012
God is bigger than your troubles
The title of this post is something im battling with at the moment. Tonight at church Pastor "Joe" talked about giving our troubles to God during communion, I did just that. But at the time my troubles hadn't been bothering me as much as they did once I gave them to God. Isn't it funny how that works? We are told that God is bigger than all our troubles (problems, worries etc) and that He can handle whatever we give Him, so why is it so easy to just let them go once we hand them over? I've realized we often don't fully give them over to Him because we like to be in control of our lives and its so easy to let these things consume us. Yes, I struggle with this myself. </p>
Last week I felt the urge to pray dangerously by asking God to show us where he wants us to be, and I asked some family to do the same. A day after I asked my Grandma to pray this with me, He answered my prayers. Now we don't understand what it all means yet, but something about the answer, or clue just feels right. Im still praying that He shows us where we belong in this strange world. I know wherever it is, we'll be happy.
Sweet dreams friends
Friday, May 4, 2012
Friday, April 13, 2012
Yiruma - Kiss the Rain
This is the song my husband and I were talking about on Easter and heard during the Remembering Together Service in October for infant and pregnancy loss
Hearing Brady speak Cameron's name Sunday has had my emotions all over the place. No crying or anything, just feeling jealous of all the women who are pregnant right now,jealous of the people who have never experienced the loss of a pregnancy (and I don't wish it on anyone).
About 3 weeks ago I experience some abnormal bleeding a week after my regular cycle, and I was advised to stop taking my birth control until we figured out why this was happening. I took a home pregnancy test, negative; took a blood test, negative. Last week I had a yearly exam and am currently waiting the results. I was supposed to have my cycle this week and have yet to have it. Normally when I have switched or stopped birth control pills, my body has bounced back and if it was late it was only a day late. I am four days late.
I have no idea what's going on, its like I dont even know my body anymore. Anyways, I just had to get this off of my chest, thanks for listening (reading). I hope you all had a great Easter weekend!
Thursday, March 8, 2012
One year later....
Yesterday started out okay, I paid bills, balanced the checkbook, followed by going to town to get some groceries. I spent the day fighting my emotions because I dont want to cry in front of my daughter, doing that only makes it worse because her innocence is so sweet. All in all, the day went much better than I thought it would (but dont ever go shopping when you're feeling blue, not so good things will find their way into your cart).
Has anyone noticed that when you're feeling down about something, anything at all, your kid refuses to listen to you? That was my daughter yesterday. Somehow we managed to survive the day without hurting eachother.
Yesterday went on almost like any other day, except for that huge reminder of what happened a year ago. Today, however, hasn't started out so good. I was woken up by the awful smell of skunk, not pleasant to wake up to. Then I get on facebook and see a friend has posted a picutre of her pregnant belly.
Cue all emotions flooding at once.
I dont want to be jealous or angry about her having a healthy second pregnancy, but I can't help it since my second one failed. I'm only human right? I dont want to get into too much detail, but I have a lot of reasons to be jealous and maybe envious. I haven't felt like this in all my life, but since I miscarried, I have been angry at pregnant women who flaunt their bellies and have a beautiful glow about them. And what makes my anger and jealousy worse, is seeing that pregnant woman with another kid or two towing behind her.
Yes, I dont know her story but even if I did, would it stop my anger and jealousy? Only God knows. One thing I have learned from the bible study I'm in, is that I'm not equiped to handle what these women have. The good and bad. I have to constantly remind myself of this whenever I start to have all these feeling racing to the surface. It's not easy, nothing in life is, I have learned that over the past year.
I was planning on releasing balloons yesterday, but since my husband has been working out of town, I have decided to wait until he gets home. My best friend sent off a green balloon, with a message on it for me yesterday. How did I get so lucky to have her in my life? She's been so amazing to me this last year and I'm ever so grateful for her.
Don't think that since the first year is done and passed that I'm going to quit blogging. I will continue to blog, it may not be very often, but I will still let you know how the healing process is going. :) Have a good one!
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Prayer
"Jesus, during your time on earth, you healed broken people who came to you. I come to you now seeking healing for my own brokenness.
My body feels broken.
My spirit seems broken.
My heart is broken.
Please, lay your hands on my life:
make me physically whole again;
help me trust you in this shadow season;
fill the excruciating hole in my heart.
Nurture & restore the relationships that sustain me:
my relationship with my spouse;
my relationship with my own parents;
my relationships with my friends;
my relationship with you,
Hold me during this night, so I can be watching when the morning breaks and joy comes again.
In your name, Amen."
These words are everything that I am currently praying for and have been all year. Losing a child is extremely hard & relationships sometimes fall apart in our time of grief. We have to fully rely on God to heal us, and I've learned to accept that He heals on his own time, never ours.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Penny for my thoughts
As the day draws closer, my mind keeps replaying the night I miscarried. Like I've said in other posts, I want to shake the images from my mind but I also want to hold on to them because I get to see my baby. I regret not holding the baby still to this day, but it's something I have to live with. I think I'm having phantom pains as it gets closer too. I get these cramps out of nowhere, for no reason whatsoever and nothing works to make them go away (tylenol or motrin). If I'm already having these now, I pray I don't feel that horrible feeling I did that night that Morphin couldn't numb when the day finally approaches.
I've been in contact with some people from church about getting a group started for women who've miscarried and I have met someone who has started one for Infertility and Miscarriage, it should be interesting to see how we can help women. I've always wanted to help people, but who knew I'd be helping them because of something tragic like this. I know God has a plan for all of us, so I'm going to listen to Him & do his will.
I plan on releasing ballons on March 7th for baby Cameron, a few of my friends from other towns are going to release one as well. Im very blessed to have these people in my life, withouth them I dont think I could be as strong as I am now.
There's a song that recently came out from one of my favorite christian artists, Britt Nicole. It talks about God always being with us and never leaving us. It's brought me such comfort since it came out and I'd like to share it with you. I hope you like it. God Bless.
Monday, February 6, 2012
when the stars go blue
Lately, I've been trying to stay away from this page they created because it was starting to become depressing for me, so I thought I was getting better. But then the flashbacks started and so did the crying fits, so I knew it had nothing to do with the group. I'm trying to be strong and not think of it but no matter how hard I try, I'm still very broken.
I find myself lately wanting this to have never happened at all. And i'm not talking about the miscarriage. I'm talking about the pregancy itself, because if I was never pregnant I wouldn't be hurting so bad. Nobody should have to experience the loss of a child, no matter how old or young the child is, it's a hurt that nobody fully recovers from.
Every month I buy pregnancy tests, not because we are trying to get pregnant but because my body hasn't been the same since and I dont feel like its even mine. I dont know its signals anymore. And each time that test comes out negative, i'm happy and slightly disappointed. I'm happy because i dont want to be pregnant. I"m scared as hell to be pregnant again. I was never nervous about miscarrying when I was carrying Alyson, and with Cameron things just felt wrong the whole time. Now i'm scared that its going to happen again, or worse. Maybe my baby will be born sick and God will test me again and I pray he never uses one of my children to test me again. I want more children, I truely do, i'm just scared.
I just want March 7 to get here already so I can get this first year completely out of the way. I want things to get easier. I dont want to cry anymore. I dont want to hurt anymore. I can't even exercise without feeling selfish because I feel like I need to be spending every waking minute I have, with Alyson. I'm doing the best I can, but there are days where I just wish I wasn't a stay at home mom, like today. I'm writing this with my eyes pouring faster than I can wipe them and I dont want Aly to see me or hear me crying. She needs her mother to be strong for her and full of focus and happiness. I hope I raise her to know that that she can overcome anything this crazy world throws at her. But in order for me to teach her that, I have to swallow my words and learn from what I want to teach her. So my prayer for myself today and everyday, also for whoever is expericening the same thing is that God shows us there's more to life than what we've been given. We've been given bad and good things, let us be reminded we dont always have to be strong because He is strong enough for us all. It's okay to cry, but we have to let it out so it doesnt eat at us and bring us down further. I pray that we will see true happiness again soon, and that we don't have to wear this mask anymore. :)
I appreciate everyone who's reading this, its therapy getting all this out and i'm sorry its all so random but my thoughts are not straight these days.
God Bless