Yesterday was the one year "anniversary" of my miscarriage. I put it in quotes because anniversary is supposed to be a happy celebration, this is not that time.
Yesterday started out okay, I paid bills, balanced the checkbook, followed by going to town to get some groceries. I spent the day fighting my emotions because I dont want to cry in front of my daughter, doing that only makes it worse because her innocence is so sweet. All in all, the day went much better than I thought it would (but dont ever go shopping when you're feeling blue, not so good things will find their way into your cart).
Has anyone noticed that when you're feeling down about something, anything at all, your kid refuses to listen to you? That was my daughter yesterday. Somehow we managed to survive the day without hurting eachother.
Yesterday went on almost like any other day, except for that huge reminder of what happened a year ago. Today, however, hasn't started out so good. I was woken up by the awful smell of skunk, not pleasant to wake up to. Then I get on facebook and see a friend has posted a picutre of her pregnant belly.
Cue all emotions flooding at once.
I dont want to be jealous or angry about her having a healthy second pregnancy, but I can't help it since my second one failed. I'm only human right? I dont want to get into too much detail, but I have a lot of reasons to be jealous and maybe envious. I haven't felt like this in all my life, but since I miscarried, I have been angry at pregnant women who flaunt their bellies and have a beautiful glow about them. And what makes my anger and jealousy worse, is seeing that pregnant woman with another kid or two towing behind her.
Yes, I dont know her story but even if I did, would it stop my anger and jealousy? Only God knows. One thing I have learned from the bible study I'm in, is that I'm not equiped to handle what these women have. The good and bad. I have to constantly remind myself of this whenever I start to have all these feeling racing to the surface. It's not easy, nothing in life is, I have learned that over the past year.
I was planning on releasing balloons yesterday, but since my husband has been working out of town, I have decided to wait until he gets home. My best friend sent off a green balloon, with a message on it for me yesterday. How did I get so lucky to have her in my life? She's been so amazing to me this last year and I'm ever so grateful for her.
Don't think that since the first year is done and passed that I'm going to quit blogging. I will continue to blog, it may not be very often, but I will still let you know how the healing process is going. :) Have a good one!
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