Cameron

August needs to hurry up and end already, it's been a very tough month. The first few weeks felt like constant reminders that I'm supposed to be having a baby at the end of the month and now that the end of the month is here...well my arms are aching to hold a newborn, I feel empty inside. I don't want you to think that I can't get over this, but I'm grieving the loss of my child, whom I've named by the way. A mother bonds with her child the minute she finds out she's pregnant, its a bond that cant really be explained it just happens. You're filled with such a strong love that makes you literally glow. I feel like i've been cheated the chance to be a mother of two.

I've never been through anything like this before, and I dont want to ever again. I'm tired of constantly being reminded that I should have a newborn and a 3 year old. When I miscarried, it seemed like almost everyone I know has had a miscarriage or knew someone, but nobody wants to talk about it. When I get the oppurtunity to tell someone that I miscarried, I take it. The other day someone told me they had just welcomed a new grandchild and I told them that I would've had a baby around the same time if we hadn't lost our baby. I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable or feel sorry for me, I just want to break the silence on it. 

I've looked on the internet for information on miscarriage and there's hardly anything out there. The only information I could find was on the signs of a miscarriage and how your body will feel a week after it happens. I have yet to find a site that tells you what to expect in the long term, how to get people around you to understand you're not crazy or dragging the grief out. And on that thought, I've made the decision to make an appointment with my Doctor and talk to him about getting some counseling for myself so I can have someone to talk to and maybe find some understanding, and closure so I can continue to heal in a good way.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, it sure helps me out a lot write my feelings and thoughts out.

In His Love,
Jill 

Phil 4:13

It's been a while since I've last blogged, which could mean a few things. That I'm either doing better, or just got busy. Well, it's a little bit of both. My summer was full of birthdays, weddings and summer getaways. I have had my fill of ups and downs this summer, mostly ups and for that, I praise God.

But as August approached, I slowly started falling back into a slight depression. I tried to overcome it by prayer and telling the Devil he's not going to get me down. He didn't win, but I haven't either. I know God is holding my hand through this rough journey, but I'm human & tend to have my doubtful days.

This month is full of "what could have beens", as my "due date" approaches I'm moody, and just want to be left alone (which would've been next week). Just when I think I'm doing better, I hear of someone else who has miscarried, or lost their unborn child and its too much for me. I ask the question, "why are all these sweet babies dying before their time?" I just don't understand why this has to happen to so many couples, it's a hurt that no one should have to deal with. It's a lot to go through for a couple, it can put strain on the relationship, even if you try to prevent it-it's there.

I'm learning that men deal with miscarriage a lot differently than women do. My husband was by my side in the hospital and stayed home from work for a few days. But it seemed that once he returned to work, he had already healed from our loss. Men don't talk about their feelings, which is frustrating to us women because we're talkers. It often feels like I'm in this fight to over come my grief alone, because I dont know how to communicate my feelings to my husband without getting angry & starting a fight, just so I can get a good cry to show him how much I'm hurting, even months after the miscarriage.

I'm still terrified about getting pregnant again. I'm not ready for it, physically, emotionally. So with that fear comes the lack of intimacy in my marriage, and the trust in birth control, thus the strain in my marriage. We've talked about this and he seems to think that I'm wallowing in my pain and refuse to get over this and refuse to get on with life. Well I'm sorry bucko, but its not something that can easily be done! I carried that child for 15 weeks, I already had a bond with that baby and very strong love for our baby. I experienced the physical pain of losing that baby, every ounce of my love and energy was taken from me that awful night. A very big piece of my heart was crushed, that hasn't healed yet and is going to take time to heal.

My heart aches every day for my baby, but I know I'll see him/her soon when I leave this earth. And when I arrive in paradise, he'll coming running into my arms and say "I've been waiting for you mommy". I have a new definition of Heaven knowing that my baby is waiting for me, it truly will be my paradise.

"Hands of mercy wont you cover me, Lord right now I'm asking you to be strong enough for the both of us." Matthew West "Strong Enough".....that song has been giving me strength these past few weeks. Later in the song he sings Phil 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength", which is so very true. We dont have to be strong enough to get through the challenges life gives us, all we have to do is rely on Him to help us, and have faith that he will provide healing and maybe someday understanding. But right now, we dont have to.

Please friends, family & strangers who are reading this...please pray for all the women, couples and families who are grieving the loss of an unborn child. May God provide you the knowledge of what to say to comfort these people, and know when to just reach out your arms and just hold them. Let them know you love them & will be their ears when they need to vent their feelings. Be the friend you would like to have in your time of need.  And for those of you who are currently grieving or have grieved, please hold on to your spouse, or whoever please dont let this get to your relationship. God doesnt want this to destroy it, but make it stronger.

Thank you for reading, God bless