Lately I've started talking about when we have another child. I don't when exactly it started, but I think I'm starting to get better and finally accept that maybe God doesn't want me to just have Alyson as my only child, that maybe I'm supposed to be a mom to more than one child. Lately I've felt like my heart and mind have been battling, like my mind has accepted what happened but my heart is still broken. Which I know will take time to heal, I'm not trying to rush into anything. It seems like I have a different feeling everyday on trying for another baby. Yesterday I was fine, and actually thought my heart had healed & told me it was ready to love again. But today I feel the opposite. I can't even begin to describe how my heart feels today. It literally hurts, I feel it in my chest and I just want to hug it. I know that sounds crazy but you know when you see someone you know hurting you hug them, well I want to hug my heart because it's hurting. I think physically my body is ready but I'm just not sure about emotionally & mentally. I'm scared to death to get pregnant again. I'm scared I'll miscarry again or something worse will happen. I just dont want to experience that nightmare again. There's not a day that I dont ask God to give me strength & courage to move on. Someday I'll be pregnant, but I'm just leaving that in Gods hands. He'll know before I do when I'm ready physically, emotionally & mentally to love and welcome a pregnancy with joy. He also knows when that happens, I'll be able to trust him more and I will be able to put my pregnancy in His hands and know it's safe with him on my side walking with me and holding my hand.
Thank you to the few people who've been reading this, it means a lot to me.
God Bless
