I haven't blogged in a while and I survived the holidays but now I keep getting attacked by these crying fits. They come out if no where! And they aren't the im sad tears, they are tears of anger. This past year I have become closer to God and I don't want to be angry with him about losing my baby, but I wish I had a full understanding of why it happened. Ive become friends with some great women this year because we have lost children, all in different ways to. Some from SIDS, anecephaly and miscarriage. These women are asking and wondering why there babies had to die as well and sometimes I feel like my grief isn't the same as there's because I lost my baby and I didn't know the sex or what to name it or if I should even hold it after I "delivered" it. Im still having these flashbacks of the night it happened and its so hard to wake up or shake them from my head because in my dreams or flashbacks I still have my baby. I can still see Cameron looking so peaceful and beautiful. But these women have made me feel like I belonged. I know that sounds crazy but they made me feel like no matter how I lost my baby, I wasn't alone.
Lately, I've been trying to stay away from this page they created because it was starting to become depressing for me, so I thought I was getting better. But then the flashbacks started and so did the crying fits, so I knew it had nothing to do with the group. I'm trying to be strong and not think of it but no matter how hard I try, I'm still very broken.
I find myself lately wanting this to have never happened at all. And i'm not talking about the miscarriage. I'm talking about the pregancy itself, because if I was never pregnant I wouldn't be hurting so bad. Nobody should have to experience the loss of a child, no matter how old or young the child is, it's a hurt that nobody fully recovers from.
Every month I buy pregnancy tests, not because we are trying to get pregnant but because my body hasn't been the same since and I dont feel like its even mine. I dont know its signals anymore. And each time that test comes out negative, i'm happy and slightly disappointed. I'm happy because i dont want to be pregnant. I"m scared as hell to be pregnant again. I was never nervous about miscarrying when I was carrying Alyson, and with Cameron things just felt wrong the whole time. Now i'm scared that its going to happen again, or worse. Maybe my baby will be born sick and God will test me again and I pray he never uses one of my children to test me again. I want more children, I truely do, i'm just scared.
I just want March 7 to get here already so I can get this first year completely out of the way. I want things to get easier. I dont want to cry anymore. I dont want to hurt anymore. I can't even exercise without feeling selfish because I feel like I need to be spending every waking minute I have, with Alyson. I'm doing the best I can, but there are days where I just wish I wasn't a stay at home mom, like today. I'm writing this with my eyes pouring faster than I can wipe them and I dont want Aly to see me or hear me crying. She needs her mother to be strong for her and full of focus and happiness. I hope I raise her to know that that she can overcome anything this crazy world throws at her. But in order for me to teach her that, I have to swallow my words and learn from what I want to teach her. So my prayer for myself today and everyday, also for whoever is expericening the same thing is that God shows us there's more to life than what we've been given. We've been given bad and good things, let us be reminded we dont always have to be strong because He is strong enough for us all. It's okay to cry, but we have to let it out so it doesnt eat at us and bring us down further. I pray that we will see true happiness again soon, and that we don't have to wear this mask anymore. :)
I appreciate everyone who's reading this, its therapy getting all this out and i'm sorry its all so random but my thoughts are not straight these days.
God Bless
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