One year later....

Yesterday was the one year "anniversary" of my miscarriage. I put it in quotes because anniversary is supposed to be a happy celebration, this is not that time.

Yesterday started out okay, I paid bills, balanced the checkbook, followed by going to town to get some groceries. I spent the day fighting my emotions because I dont want to cry in front of my daughter, doing that only makes it worse because her innocence is so sweet. All in all, the day went much better than I thought it would (but dont ever go shopping when you're feeling blue, not so good things will find their way into your cart).

Has anyone noticed that when you're feeling down about something, anything at all, your kid refuses to listen to you? That was my daughter yesterday. Somehow we managed to survive the day without hurting eachother.

Yesterday went on almost like any other day, except for that huge reminder of what happened a year ago. Today, however, hasn't started out so good. I was woken up by the awful smell of skunk, not pleasant to wake up to. Then I get on facebook and see a friend has posted a picutre of her pregnant belly.

Cue all emotions flooding at once.

I dont want to be jealous or angry about her having a healthy second pregnancy, but I can't help it since my second one failed. I'm only human right? I dont want to get into too much detail, but I have a lot of reasons to be jealous and maybe envious. I haven't felt like this in all my life, but since I miscarried, I have been angry at pregnant women who flaunt their bellies and have a beautiful glow about them. And what makes my anger and jealousy worse, is seeing that pregnant woman with another kid or two towing behind her.

Yes, I dont know her story but even if I did, would it stop my anger and jealousy? Only God knows. One thing I have learned from the bible study I'm in, is that I'm not equiped to handle what these women have. The good and bad. I have to constantly remind myself of this whenever I start to have all these feeling racing to the surface. It's not easy, nothing in life is, I have learned that over the past year.

I was planning on releasing balloons yesterday, but since my husband has been working out of town, I have decided to wait until he gets home. My best friend sent off a green balloon, with a message on it for me yesterday. How did I get so lucky to have her in my life? She's been so amazing to me this last year and I'm ever so grateful for her.

Don't think that since the first year is done and passed that I'm going to quit blogging. I will continue to blog, it may not be very often, but I will still let you know how the healing process is going. :) Have a good one!

This is a line from Taylor Swift "Back to December", but this line kept playing in my head this morning and I find it kind of fitting.

Prayer

I found this prayer in a book that I've had close to me for the last year, and I want to share it with you.

"Jesus, during your time on earth, you healed broken people who came to you. I come to you now seeking healing for my own brokenness.
My body feels broken.
My spirit seems broken.
My heart is broken.
Please, lay your hands on my life:
make me physically whole again;
help me trust you in this shadow season;
fill the excruciating hole in my heart.
Nurture & restore the relationships that sustain me:
my relationship with my spouse;
my relationship with my own parents;
my relationships with my friends;
my relationship with you,
Hold me during this night, so I can be watching when the morning breaks and joy comes again.
In your name, Amen."

These words are everything that I am currently praying for and have been all year. Losing a child is extremely hard & relationships sometimes fall apart in our time of grief. We have to fully rely on God to heal us, and I've learned to accept that He heals on his own time, never ours.

Penny for my thoughts

As the one year approaches, I'm finding myself having conflicting emotions. One day, I'm completely fine and unaware of the approaching date. The next I just want to stay in bed and have no human contact. But as a stay at home mom, staying in bed is not an option for me. Today is kind of one of those days.

As the day draws closer, my mind keeps replaying the night I miscarried. Like I've said in other posts, I want to shake the images from my mind but I also want to hold on to them because I get to see my baby. I regret not holding the baby still to this day, but it's something I have to live with. I think I'm having phantom pains as it gets closer too. I get these cramps out of nowhere, for no reason whatsoever and nothing works to make them go away (tylenol or motrin). If I'm already having these now, I pray I don't feel that horrible feeling I did that night that Morphin couldn't numb when the day finally approaches.

I've been in contact with some people from church about getting a group started for women who've miscarried and I have met someone who has started one for Infertility and Miscarriage, it should be interesting to see how we can help women. I've always wanted to help people, but who knew I'd be helping them because of something tragic like this. I know God has a plan for all of us, so I'm going to listen to Him & do his will.

I plan on releasing ballons on March 7th for baby Cameron, a few of my friends from other towns are going to release one as well. Im very blessed to have these people in my life, withouth them I dont think I could be as strong as I am now.

There's a song that recently came out from one of my favorite christian artists, Britt Nicole. It talks about God always being with us and never leaving us. It's brought me such comfort since it came out and I'd like to share it with you. I hope you like it. God Bless.

when the stars go blue

I haven't blogged in a while and I survived the holidays but now I keep getting attacked by these crying fits. They come out if no where! And they aren't the im sad tears, they are tears of anger. This past year I have become closer to God and I don't want to be angry with him about losing my baby, but I wish I had a full understanding of why it happened. Ive become friends with some great women this year because we have lost children, all in different ways to. Some from SIDS, anecephaly and miscarriage. These women are asking and wondering why there babies had to die as well and sometimes I feel like my grief isn't the same as there's because I lost my baby and I didn't know the sex or what to name it or if I should even hold it after I "delivered" it. Im still having these flashbacks of the night it happened and its so hard to wake up or shake them from my head because in my dreams or flashbacks I still have my baby. I can still see Cameron looking so peaceful and beautiful. But these women have made me feel like I belonged. I know that sounds crazy but they made me feel like no matter how I lost my baby, I wasn't alone.

Lately, I've been trying to stay away from this page they created because it was starting to become depressing for me, so I thought I was getting better. But then the flashbacks started and so did the crying fits, so I knew it had nothing to do with the group. I'm trying to be strong and not think of it but no matter how hard I try, I'm still very broken.

I find myself lately wanting this to have never happened at all. And i'm not talking about the miscarriage. I'm talking about the pregancy itself, because if I was never pregnant I wouldn't be hurting so bad. Nobody should have to experience the loss of a child, no matter how old or young the child is, it's a hurt that nobody fully recovers from.

Every month I buy pregnancy tests, not because we are trying to get pregnant but because my body hasn't been the same since and I dont feel like its even mine. I dont know its signals anymore. And each time that test comes out negative, i'm happy and slightly disappointed. I'm happy because i dont want to be pregnant. I"m scared as hell to be pregnant again. I was never nervous about miscarrying when I was carrying Alyson, and with Cameron things just felt wrong the whole time. Now i'm scared that its going to happen again, or worse. Maybe my baby will be born sick and God will test me again and I pray he never uses one of my children to test me again. I want more children, I truely do, i'm just scared.

I just want March 7 to get here already so I can get this first year completely out of the way. I want things to get easier. I dont want to cry anymore. I dont want to hurt anymore. I can't even exercise without feeling selfish because I feel like I need to be spending every waking minute I have, with Alyson. I'm doing the best I can, but there are days where I just wish I wasn't a stay at home mom, like today. I'm writing this with my eyes pouring faster than I can wipe them and I dont want Aly to see me or hear me crying. She needs her mother to be strong for her and full of focus and happiness. I hope I raise her to know that that she can overcome anything this crazy world throws at her. But in order for me to teach her that, I have to swallow my words and learn from what I want to teach her. So my prayer for myself today and everyday, also for whoever is expericening the same thing is that God shows us there's more to life than what we've been given. We've been given bad and good things, let us be reminded we dont always have to be strong because He is strong enough for us all. It's okay to cry, but we have to let it out so it doesnt eat at us and bring us down further. I pray that we will see true happiness again soon, and that we don't have to wear this mask anymore. :)

I appreciate everyone who's reading this, its therapy getting all this out and i'm sorry its all so random but my thoughts are not straight these days.

God Bless

Lullabies

Lullabies

Daddy please don't look so sad,

Mommy please don't cry,

I am in the arms of Jesus

and He sings me lullabies.

Please do not try to question God,

don't think He is unkind.

Don't think He sent me to you and

that He changed His mind.

You see, I am special

and I'm needed up above.

I'm the special child you gave Him,

the product of your love.

I'll always be there with you.

So watch the sky at night.

Find the brightest star that's gleaming.

That's my halo's brilliant light.

So Daddy please don't look so sad,

Mommy please don't cry.

I am in the arms of Jesus,

and He sings me lullabies

*This was in the program at the remembering together service, I thought I'd share it with you all.*

I am not alone

Today my husband and I attending a "Remembering Together" service. It was very obvious that we were new to this. I was very emotional, I couldn't look at anyone during the service, especially during the music numbers. When we signed in, they asked us to write down the name of our child and if we wanted it to be named off during the balloon release. It was so hard for me to write down Cameron's name and write on the card that would be sent off into the sky. I quickly scribbled down my words to him through tears and included "xoxo", I just wanted to write so much more than the card would allow. After we released the balloons we read poem that I could barely say aloud, and then we went inside for a little reception so we could all get a chance to talk and share stories.

My husband and I just kind of sat in our seats, unsure of what to do. Two Chaplains came up to us and told us that if we needed anything to call the hospital and ask to speak to one of them and they would pray for us and be there for us. We had a few other people talk to us and ask us our story, and laid a hand on my shoulder. When they did that small gesture, I would start crying all over again. I felt out of place for a little bit because I saw people had brought scrapbooks of there babies, and actualy photographs and all I brought was the only picture I had, my sonograph. But one lady made me feel like I did belong, she shared with me that she not only lost her son when he was only a month old, but that she also had three miscarriages. We talked a while and she told me about a support group that is held once a month in town and how she hoped to see me there.

These two songs below have helped me get through this weekend, especially while writing this blog.
Once again, thank you to all of you who are reading this and letting me share my story and journey to healing. God bless.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AbRQvrBgCJA&feature=colike


http://youtu.be/VHlQ6sBEO9A

"Darkness Doesn't Stand A Chance"

Lately I've started talking about when we have another child. I don't when exactly it started, but I think I'm starting to get better and finally accept that maybe God doesn't want me to just have Alyson as my only child, that maybe I'm supposed to be a mom to more than one child. Lately I've felt like my heart and mind have been battling, like my mind has accepted what happened but my heart is still broken. Which I know will take time to heal, I'm not trying to rush into anything. It seems like I have a different feeling everyday on trying for another baby. Yesterday I was fine, and actually thought my heart had healed & told me it was ready to love again. But today I feel the opposite. I can't even begin to describe how my heart feels today. It literally hurts, I feel it in my chest and I just want to hug it. I know that sounds crazy but you know when you see someone you know hurting  you hug them, well I want to hug my heart because it's hurting. I think physically my body is ready but I'm just not sure about emotionally & mentally. I'm scared to death to get pregnant again. I'm scared I'll miscarry again or something worse will happen. I just dont want to experience that nightmare again. There's not a day that I dont ask God to give me strength & courage to move on. Someday I'll be pregnant, but I'm just leaving that in Gods hands. He'll know before I do when I'm ready physically, emotionally & mentally to love and welcome a pregnancy with joy. He also knows when that happens, I'll be able to trust him more and I will be able to put my pregnancy in His hands and know it's safe with him on my side walking with me and holding my hand.

Thank you to the few people who've been reading this, it means a lot to me.

God Bless

Cameron

August needs to hurry up and end already, it's been a very tough month. The first few weeks felt like constant reminders that I'm supposed to be having a baby at the end of the month and now that the end of the month is here...well my arms are aching to hold a newborn, I feel empty inside. I don't want you to think that I can't get over this, but I'm grieving the loss of my child, whom I've named by the way. A mother bonds with her child the minute she finds out she's pregnant, its a bond that cant really be explained it just happens. You're filled with such a strong love that makes you literally glow. I feel like i've been cheated the chance to be a mother of two.

I've never been through anything like this before, and I dont want to ever again. I'm tired of constantly being reminded that I should have a newborn and a 3 year old. When I miscarried, it seemed like almost everyone I know has had a miscarriage or knew someone, but nobody wants to talk about it. When I get the oppurtunity to tell someone that I miscarried, I take it. The other day someone told me they had just welcomed a new grandchild and I told them that I would've had a baby around the same time if we hadn't lost our baby. I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable or feel sorry for me, I just want to break the silence on it. 

I've looked on the internet for information on miscarriage and there's hardly anything out there. The only information I could find was on the signs of a miscarriage and how your body will feel a week after it happens. I have yet to find a site that tells you what to expect in the long term, how to get people around you to understand you're not crazy or dragging the grief out. And on that thought, I've made the decision to make an appointment with my Doctor and talk to him about getting some counseling for myself so I can have someone to talk to and maybe find some understanding, and closure so I can continue to heal in a good way.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, it sure helps me out a lot write my feelings and thoughts out.

In His Love,
Jill 

Phil 4:13

It's been a while since I've last blogged, which could mean a few things. That I'm either doing better, or just got busy. Well, it's a little bit of both. My summer was full of birthdays, weddings and summer getaways. I have had my fill of ups and downs this summer, mostly ups and for that, I praise God.

But as August approached, I slowly started falling back into a slight depression. I tried to overcome it by prayer and telling the Devil he's not going to get me down. He didn't win, but I haven't either. I know God is holding my hand through this rough journey, but I'm human & tend to have my doubtful days.

This month is full of "what could have beens", as my "due date" approaches I'm moody, and just want to be left alone (which would've been next week). Just when I think I'm doing better, I hear of someone else who has miscarried, or lost their unborn child and its too much for me. I ask the question, "why are all these sweet babies dying before their time?" I just don't understand why this has to happen to so many couples, it's a hurt that no one should have to deal with. It's a lot to go through for a couple, it can put strain on the relationship, even if you try to prevent it-it's there.

I'm learning that men deal with miscarriage a lot differently than women do. My husband was by my side in the hospital and stayed home from work for a few days. But it seemed that once he returned to work, he had already healed from our loss. Men don't talk about their feelings, which is frustrating to us women because we're talkers. It often feels like I'm in this fight to over come my grief alone, because I dont know how to communicate my feelings to my husband without getting angry & starting a fight, just so I can get a good cry to show him how much I'm hurting, even months after the miscarriage.

I'm still terrified about getting pregnant again. I'm not ready for it, physically, emotionally. So with that fear comes the lack of intimacy in my marriage, and the trust in birth control, thus the strain in my marriage. We've talked about this and he seems to think that I'm wallowing in my pain and refuse to get over this and refuse to get on with life. Well I'm sorry bucko, but its not something that can easily be done! I carried that child for 15 weeks, I already had a bond with that baby and very strong love for our baby. I experienced the physical pain of losing that baby, every ounce of my love and energy was taken from me that awful night. A very big piece of my heart was crushed, that hasn't healed yet and is going to take time to heal.

My heart aches every day for my baby, but I know I'll see him/her soon when I leave this earth. And when I arrive in paradise, he'll coming running into my arms and say "I've been waiting for you mommy". I have a new definition of Heaven knowing that my baby is waiting for me, it truly will be my paradise.

"Hands of mercy wont you cover me, Lord right now I'm asking you to be strong enough for the both of us." Matthew West "Strong Enough".....that song has been giving me strength these past few weeks. Later in the song he sings Phil 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength", which is so very true. We dont have to be strong enough to get through the challenges life gives us, all we have to do is rely on Him to help us, and have faith that he will provide healing and maybe someday understanding. But right now, we dont have to.

Please friends, family & strangers who are reading this...please pray for all the women, couples and families who are grieving the loss of an unborn child. May God provide you the knowledge of what to say to comfort these people, and know when to just reach out your arms and just hold them. Let them know you love them & will be their ears when they need to vent their feelings. Be the friend you would like to have in your time of need.  And for those of you who are currently grieving or have grieved, please hold on to your spouse, or whoever please dont let this get to your relationship. God doesnt want this to destroy it, but make it stronger.

Thank you for reading, God bless